So, how do narcissists make you look or feel like the bad guy? The reason you might feel like the bad guy is because narcissists don’t always show their true colors. They may have a very different public persona than their private one, or they may be more consistent, yet the real abuse happens behind the scenes. The things they say and do in private are so contrary to their public image that no one would believe it. This isolates you and makes you feel like you’re the only one who knows the truth. It also makes you question whether you’re the problem because if no one else is seeing this side of the person, you start to think maybe it’s something you’re doing that’s bringing out this ugliness in them. If you are dealing with a narcissist, they will do everything they can to reinforce the belief that you are the problem and not them.
Narcissists are very quick to shame you. They have a lot of trouble dealing with their own shame, so they project it onto you. Whenever you make a mistake or do something you shouldn’t have done, like getting emotional and angry, they will make sure you feel shame for it and won’t let you forget it.
When talking about narcissists, it’s important to look at the whole person and their patterns of behavior and how they treat you. Narcissists don’t do this; they see you as all good or all bad, with a very black-and-white view of the world and the people in their lives. If you do something they don’t approve of, they will make sure you feel as bad as possible about it because, in that moment, you are all bad to them. They’re not capable of seeing you as a person who made a little mistake; your mistake defines you, and they’ll make sure you feel that deeply. This external shaming can be internalized by you, making you beat yourself up.
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