Narcissists are like sunflowers that constantly turn toward the sun, soaking up all the light and warmth. For narcissists, the sun is the adoration and energy they extract from those around them. This adoration is like a sweet nectar that validates their bloated sense of self-worth and feeds their narrative of being unparalleled. But when the sun sets for these human sunflowers, it feels like an endless, chilling night. The absence of this adoration leaves them craving and empty. They hunger for the affirmations and admiration that once bathed their world in gold. Recently, my narcissistic mother said, “What happened to the son who wouldn’t even stand the thought of living without me for a second? What happened to the son who loved me more than his life?” All of that is true. I loved her more than my life. I couldn’t stand the thought of living or being without her for even a second because that was my separation anxiety, that was my trauma bond with her. Her asking me these questions said everything that was going on in her emotional world. Me separating from her was an earth-shattering change in itself. I felt sad for a moment, to be honest, and before that cognitive dissonance could take over, she did something so horrible that I was back at square one, seeing her for who she is. Losing such a rich source is particularly devastating for a narcissist. They’ll scramble trying to find a replacement, but it’s like chasing a mirage. They yearn to quench their thirst, but the waters are never as sweet. This loss becomes an obsession. They might stalk the person they lost or grill mutual friends for information. Again, that has been happening so much in my life. My narcissistic parents, particularly my narcissistic mother, have been grilling other relatives, going around and talking BS about me, and that is total crazy-making. But in an indirect way, they may even attempt to replicate the relationship with someone new, only to be frustrated when the same level of adoration isn’t achieved. It’s not just about missing the adoration; it’s about the irreplaceability of it. The narcissist is akin to a collector who has lost their most prized possession—you. The rest of the collection pales in comparison, and there is a constant nagging awareness of the void left behind.
- Not understanding how you didn’t see how great they are and how you did them wrong
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