Comment number three: I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you. When you say that to a narcissist, it’s most pleasing for them to hear. It satisfies them because it’s a confirmation of the omnipotence they think they have. It is the confirmation of the belief they have around being all-powerful, being able to control everyone and being able to control your emotions. But they do not express the satisfaction to you. What they do instead is they justify it somehow in their head, and they say something like, “You should walk on eggshells around me,” or they make it seem like it’s your problem. “I didn’t do anything. Why are you anxious? It’s your anxiety that is making all these connections. Why are you projecting on me?” Or they may say something like, “Well, you know there’s been a lot going on in the relationship, and you know who the crazy one is? You have been doing a lot lately, so I think it’s better for us that you walk on eggshells. At least that way you wouldn’t make any mistakes.” See how this gaslighting happens in their own head and then how it is projected onto you? How you are also made to think you are crazy for being a certain way, or it is your fault? That’s why being with a narcissist is so destructive; their delusional thinking doesn’t only impact them; it also impacts and attacks you. You also become a part of their fantasy world. So in their fantasy, it’s not them; they have nothing to do with your anxious behavior. They have nothing to do with your hyper-vigilance or hyper-attunement to the environment. It is because of your own behaviors; it is because of your own anxiety. It’s because of how you have been cheating them, and now they have reacted; they have given you a befitting reply to the things that you used to say earlier. And it’s a good thing that it worked, and you are walking on eggshells; that way, you wouldn’t misbehave. So this is how it is made right, how wrong is made right, and then how that keeps going on and continuing in such a tumultuous relationship.
Comment number four: You always blame other people except yourself. Why is it that it’s someone else’s fault every single time something happens? Why don’t you think about the part you play in any of this? That is kryptonite to a narcissist; those words just pierce deep into their soul. Not in a way to make them reflect on their actions, of course not; it just burns them. How could you say that? How could you question their justification of the situation? How could you say that it was blaming when they spoke nothing but truth in that ad? It’s very black and white; you caused it; you made it happen; it’s your problem. If you think I did it somehow, it was your doing; you made me do it. How could you think I am blaming others? I speak the truth. So basically, when you say this, you are questioning their judgment; you’re questioning their capacity to think and decide; you are questioning their discernment when they assume that there is nothing wrong with how they perceive things. You’re questioning their reality, and that is when they attack you. That is when they become extremely resistant because they see it as nothing but pure criticism. How could you criticize me? You humiliated me; you blamed me for something that I never did. You blamed me for speaking the truth. How could you see that blame when I only intended to correct you,
when I only intended to point out the obvious? To them, the thing they are blaming is obvious and obviously wrong, so there must be something wrong with you that you see their pointing out of the truth as blame-shifting. I hope that makes sense. It was a lot, and that’s why you need to understand that you cannot have any conversation with a narcissist. I keep saying that again and again because it’s better to bang your head against a wall than to speak with the narcissist, than to try to have a conversation, or then to try to communicate with a narcissist because when you’re banging your head against a wall, at least you will know what’s happening. Your head will believe so. It’s just leading to something, yes, it’s hurtful, but something will be coming out of it. When you are trying to have a conversation with a narcissist, it’s just never-ending, a circular argument, a conversation that starts at the same point where it ends, so you make no progress in any way. This is what is applicable to this as well; they will not take anything in that points out the possibility that they are the one who is causing something wrong, who is responsible for anything that happened in the situation, anything, anything bad. They cannot take the credit; they only want to be idealized for anything good that happens, even if it is not their doing; they want to take all the credit. But when it comes to the bad things, the reality of the situation? Nope, don’t show them the mirror; they’re going to break it, and they are going to attack you for showing it to them. Fifth and last.
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