The second thing they want during holidays or special occasions is to control people’s perception of you. I’m focusing on covert narcissists, and yes, there’s a difference in how they want people to perceive you depending on the narcissist. For example, a histrionic narcissist might want people to view you as a trophy wife or eye candy. A covert narcissist, however, doesn’t want anyone to look at you positively. In relationships, when someone looks highly at your significant other, it usually feels like a compliment to oneself, but narcissists view it as competition. They want you to be seen as a problem—unstable or difficult to be around. They project their issues onto you and hope others perceive you that way.
They go about this by treating you horribly before you’re with friends or family. They insult you and make you feel like nothing you do is right. As the special occasion approaches, they continue this behavior. By the time you arrive at a gathering, your nervous system is traumatized. When you’re in that state, you might go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. They’ve pushed you so far that your default response is fight—you’re irritable and frustrated, trying to defend yourself.
When you show up, your trauma response might be visible. The narcissist then becomes the caring person, making it seem like they are the good one while you appear rude or unhappy. This creates the illusion that you are the problem, which gives the narcissist power and control over people’s perceptions.
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