So this is when their criticism and contempt are delivered as a [ __ ] sandwich, so perfectly crafted that if someone else read it, they might not even pick up on the crap in the middle. This text typically has a virtuous opening and closing line, with the middle part that’s intended to induce guilt or express anger passively. So this might be something like, ‘I’m always here for you and want the best for you. I just don’t know that I can count on you to do the same for me. It’s like you don’t even care about me anymore. I just wish I had someone who truly understood and was there to support me. I guess I’m just not that important to you. You’re an amazing person, and I want us to be happy together.’ So you might think, ‘Yeah, but maybe the partner genuinely feels that way and has a legitimate concern.’ And this may be true, but these are not healthy ways to express concerns. And in the case of a covert narcissist, what is usually happening is that the person they are with is setting up some boundaries for themselves, and they’re no longer allowing themselves to be taken advantage of. And the covert narcissist doesn’t like this. If a relationship with a narcissist ends, there are many ways they may try to lure you back. They may fake a crisis to pull on your heartstrings. For example, they may send you a text saying, ‘I know we’re not together anymore, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to right now. My landlord is threatening to evict me, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t pay the rent. It’s so stressful. I’m not looking for money or anything. I just need someone to talk to.’ Maybe they say they’re being tested for cancer or some other serious illness, and they don’t know where else to turn. Or maybe they just need some quick advice. The reality is that the narcissist will often come to you with what appears to be valid concerns, and they won’t be asking for much from you at first. Their goal isn’t necessarily to get anything from you in that exact moment. All they need is for you to leave a crack in the door, and this opening will be their way to strategically re-engage you. So if you respond to their texts, they will slowly but surely sneak their way back into your life and start the cycle of manipulation and abuse all over again. Other ways they may strategically re-engage you is by randomly sending you a ‘hey’ or ‘how are you’ text. Sometimes they will try to create some type of intrigue, something like, ‘Did you hear about so and so?’ Other times it’s an apology or an ‘I miss you’ text. If you respond, they may use every tactic in the book to get you to re-engage. However, once you do, you will find that they either lose interest in you very quickly or that the cycle of manipulation and abuse starts all over again. They really just wanted to make sure that they could still get you back if they wanted to. Their way of seeing this is that you don’t get to reject and abandon them or decide when it’s over. The only way to avoid their manipulation and mind games is to go no contact and to stay no contact. And sometimes even then, they may find ways to reach you through mutual friends or family, by showing up to places you go, randomly bumping into you, or by emailing you. That’s another big one, saying things like, ‘I just don’t get it. Can’t we just talk like two mature adults? It doesn’t have to be this way. You’re so full of anger.’ And if you don’t re-engage, they may text you, saying, ‘I can’t believe how immature you are. You need to leave me alone.’ Or in worst-case scenarios, they may become vengeful and try to harm you in other ways, such as making false claims against you.
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