A fifth way you hand over your power is that you can think assertively but then act unassertively. Okay, now what I mean by that is there are times when you examine the way that the relationship between you and the narcissist is unfolding. You’re thinking, “This isn’t working very well. I don’t like the way they treat me, I don’t like how they think about me, and they’re stubborn and all the rest. I need to sit down and talk things out with them, and I need to make sure that they know that this is inappropriate.” And you’ve got this whole speech in your mind that you’re going to give. And then when the time comes to actually act upon it, it’s like, “Never mind,” because all I know is it’s going to turn into an argument, or they’re going to refute me.
Sometimes your assertiveness has to go beyond just words because narcissists will take your words and just jumble them up. And sometimes the assertiveness needs to just be shown in action rather than me talking about how I want to be different, I’m just going to be different, or rather than talking about needing to have consequences, I’m just going to apply consequences. So many times, it’s like, “Yeah, but it’s going to be more trouble than it’s worth.” That’s a sixth way that you can hand over your power.
You can actually, at times, become temporarily seduced by their pleasant episodes. Keep in mind that narcissists can be charmers. They like seducing individuals into thinking they’re really wonderful individuals. And so you might have some times where it’s so difficult with that person, but yet you have another time where you’re around that individual, and you walk away thinking, “Well, that wasn’t so bad. And that was okay. And they told some funny stories, and they said something nice about me, so maybe I’ve got this a little bit more overblown, and I don’t need to think quite so harshly.” And of course, that’s their manipulation because over time, they continue to show that they’re going to go back to their exploitation of you and dominance. But those interludes, as part of their intermittent reinforcement, just to keep you on the hook.
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