You shouldn’t miss number five: testing people to see if they’ll leave. If you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, you may have unknowingly developed this habit of testing people—like pushing them away, going silent, or picking little fights. It’s not because you want them to leave, but because a part of you expects them to. It’s like you’re setting emotional traps, hoping someone will prove they’re different, but also bracing for them to prove they’re not. Psychologist Dr. Margaret Paul calls this abandonment repetition, where survivors recreate old wounds to try and control the outcome. Basically, you test love not because you don’t want it, but because deep down, you don’t believe you’re safe enough to trust it.
The irony is that even when someone does stay, part of you still doesn’t trust it. You might think they’ll leave; eventually, they all do. So you never let your guard fully down. In her book It’s Not You, It’s the Narcissist, therapist Shahida Arabi explains, “When you’ve been taught that love is conditional, you grow up emotionally armoring yourself even when you crave connection.” These tests are survival tactics—like emotional smoke alarms, constantly on alert. But the sad part is they can push away the very people who care. Healing starts when you stop waiting for others to prove themselves and start believing you’re worthy of love that doesn’t need testing in the first place.
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