I want to start by giving you a little secret that’s not too hard to figure out: narcissists are damaged goods. I call it a secret because they want to cover that up; they don’t want you to know. Whenever you see how narcissists respond to you and your differences with overpowering and condescending harshness, what they’re really saying is, “I don’t know how to live life well. I don’t understand the ingredients of goodness and decency.”
They try to pretend to be strong, overpowering you and pushing all sorts of difficulties onto you without realizing that real strength comes from being patient and maintaining your civility, even when the other person isn’t giving you a good reason to do so.
Have you ever wondered why narcissists are so adversarial in the first place? Where does that come from? Today, we’re going to talk about the topic of pain—the narcissist’s pain. Whenever they approach you with seeming bravado, harshness, stubbornness, and meanness, if they could be honest or access what’s truly going on inside (which is unlikely), they would say, “I’m in pain right now. I’m in great pain, and as I interact with you, I’m counting on you to do something—anything—to make my pain go away.
The message they convey is multiple: prop me up, praise me, let me be the decision-maker, emphasize what you think is great about me, and ignore the bad things about me. Essentially, they want you to be their supply. They want you to say, “Here’s what you can do to have a good life.” All along, they are making you responsible for their internal well-being.
What happens when you fail to play the role they have ascribed to you? That’s when you’ll receive all sorts of criticism. They’ll be easily offended, thinking, “How dare you talk about me in a negative way?” They will offer unsolicited advice, telling you what you’re supposed to think and do so they can go on their merry way and be happier.
They’ll ask loaded questions like, “What’s wrong with you?” and when that doesn’t yield the results they want, here comes the anger. We tend not to think of anger as a sign of pain, but it is an enormous sign that says, “I’m hurting. I’m struggling right now.” When you don’t play the role of eliminating their pain, they will blame you and offer harsh putdowns. They can be mean, belittling, and shaming—anything that makes them feel better by making you feel awful.
They also offer broad generalizations to project their pain onto you, saying things like, “You think you’re the greatest person since sliced bread, but I have something to say to you.” They see in you what they can’t come to terms with inside themselves. This is narcissistic pain in action. They are desperate for your affirmation and blind loyalty; you are not allowed to be the next person who rejects them.
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