Next is the “poor me” game. Covert narcissists often employ this tactic to manipulate others into feeling sorry for them, which is premium narcissistic supply. They will exaggerate their struggles, play up their vulnerabilities, and paint themselves as helpless victims. This can lead their targets to go out of their way to help, support, and defend the narcissist, even at their own expense. Remember, they love to use guilt and pity to control others, and that’s not normal. People generally do not want to be pitied. If someone in your life consistently gives you the “oh, poor me” routine, take a closer look, as that is a big red flag. Also, if you find that someone’s advice or actions frequently lead to negative outcomes for you, consider whether they might be intentionally undermining you. Look for patterns of behavior that suggest they are more focused on maintaining power than on genuinely supporting you.
Next, be on the lookout for false humility and superiority. This is another dead giveaway. While overt narcissists are blatantly arrogant, covert narcissists often mask their superiority in false humility. They might downplay their achievements or feign modesty while seeking validation and admiration from others. This subtle form of superiority is designed to keep others in a position of inferiority without appearing overtly arrogant. Look for someone who frequently makes self-deprecating comments but seems to enjoy when others contradict them with praise. This pattern of false humility is often a way to fish for compliments and reinforce their sense of superiority.
Next is gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Gaslighting is the hallmark of narcissistic abuse, and covert narcissists are particularly skilled at it. They subtly distort reality to make their victims doubt their own perceptions, memories, or feelings. For example, they might insist that a conversation or event never happened or that it occurred differently than the victim remembers. Over time, this tactic can erode the victim’s self-confidence and sense of reality, leaving them dependent on the narcissist for validation. If you find yourself consistently doubting your memory or questioning your judgment after interacting with someone, consider whether this person might be gaslighting you.
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