This raises an important question: What about high-functioning alcoholics or depressed individuals who are also high-functioning? They may appear lifeless in private but seem fine in public. What about trauma survivors whose response is a change in voice—those who get bubbly or excited in social situations, though it’s actually a trauma response? The answer is not simple, but the key differentiator is intentionality. High-functioning alcoholics, depressed individuals, or trauma survivors do not intend to hurt others or manipulate perceptions. Their behaviors are unconscious adaptations to function. Narcissists, on the other hand, are intentional in changing their voice to manipulate and control others for personal gain.
The second and perhaps most important voice is the martyr voice. This is where the narcissist plays the role of the struggling victim. If you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, for example, they control you using fear, guilt, and a deep sense of obligation. When you call them, they speak in a voice that implies they’re on the verge of death or experiencing great suffering. This triggers your abandonment trauma and guilt, pushing you to act as they wish, whether it’s giving them money or doing something you’d normally resist. I know this all too well because, unfortunately, this was my life with my covert narcissistic mother. Her voice changes would send me into a frenzy, trying to make everything better for her.
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