Boundaries function beautifully in healthy relationships because healthy individuals are able to respect each other’s needs, even if they don’t always agree. Whether you’re saying “I can’t do that right now,” “I’d prefer not to talk about that,” or “I don’t take calls or texts after 9:00 p.m.,” a healthy person will hear that, and while they might not like it, they will respect it.
But narcissists don’t play by these rules. They will not listen unless it benefits them. So, even if you set clear and firm boundaries, they will push back, ignore you, or even act like they don’t understand what you’re saying. In narcissistic relationships, boundaries often lead to more harm than healing, leaving you feeling invalidated and gaslighted.
Intrusiveness: A Common Boundary Violation
One of the most persistent and painful boundary violations in narcissistic relationships is intrusiveness. For those of you who grew up with narcissistic parents or come from narcissistic family systems, this is something you’ve likely experienced since childhood. For others who’ve encountered narcissistic behaviors in friendships, intimate relationships, or even the workplace as adults, intrusiveness is still a common theme.
Narcissistic parents are often simultaneously present and absent in your life—hovering when it suits them, then withdrawing when they don’t need anything from you. They are overly interested in your life one moment, then indifferent the next. They shower you with praise only to quickly follow it up with harsh criticism. Everything about you is up for scrutiny and intrusion—your body, your choices, your friends, even your thoughts and emotions. This intrusiveness becomes the norm, and the concept of personal boundaries is undermined at every turn.
As children, we start to crave privacy, independence, and separation from our parents. But narcissistic parents resist this natural progression. When a child expresses a desire for space or independence, the narcissistic parent often responds with something like, “You don’t get to be your own person. We’re family, and families are in each other’s business.” The child is made to feel guilty for wanting privacy, and the idea of having any private space becomes foreign.
Intrusiveness in Adulthood
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