When they’re testing you, they’re just making sure you’ll stick around, even when they mistreat you. They want to know: Are you for me or against me? They’ll mistreat you, put you down, call you names, or give you the silent treatment. By the way, silent treatment is one of their biggest tactics. It’s all a method of getting you back under their control. Remember, the narcissistic relationship cycle is love bombing, devaluing, and discarding. If you’d like to know more about this cycle, check out my videos on these topics, where I go into more detail.
As they devalue you, they may simultaneously love bomb you. This is a way to keep you under their control. They’ll test you by causing pain, which they don’t feel themselves. They want to see if you’ll stick around. Silent treatment is one way they test you; they’ll stop talking to you, hoping you’ll beg for their attention. Then they’ll return, saying, “Okay, fine.” They might also have tantrums or meltdowns to see if you’ll stay or leave. Are you for me, or are you against me?
They might even use hoovering—trying to suck you back in—even during the discard phase. In divorces, for instance, they may act terribly, gaslighting you, using the court system against you, or lying. But suddenly, you’ll get an email from them saying, “Why are we doing this? We can get along. This isn’t good for the kids.” It’s just another test to see if they still have control over you.
If you’ve been tested by a narcissist before, let me know in the comments with a “Yup!”
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