Understand the narcissistic personality dynamics a little better. As you already know, they have this false self, but then there is this true self as well, which is their reality. In a narcissist’s head, they constantly believe or associate themselves with a false idea of who they are. To give you an example, they think they’re a good person, which is how and why they justify everything. If anything goes wrong, you have to be blamed, the dog has to be blamed, the door has to be blamed—you name it, they will blame it. Basically, they can stoop to any level to avoid taking responsibility. They think they are saints, they are pious, and nobody is as good as them. That’s how they see themselves. This is what shame avoidance means. But in reality, you and I both know they are really immature, disrespectful, arrogant, and far from what they claim to be. That is what is called incongruence—the difference between who they think they are and who they are in reality. And that is what we have to subtly and strategically remind them of whenever possible. When we want them to behave differently and appropriately, we need to tap into that space so that they feel the shame and are forced to become their false self—the self they think they are. Do you get the idea? This is the crux of it.
Now let me tell you how to do it. For example, the narcissistic person you are dealing with is behaving erratically, being horrible, and talking in a nasty way to you. It sounds really immature. You could say something as strategic as, “I will talk to you when your adult is back in the room.” What did you do there? You pointed out their childish behavior without saying, “You are behaving childishly,” without confronting them directly, without saying, “Oh no, that’s not the case,” without basically playing their game. You played your own game. You said, “I will talk to you when you are ready, when that childish behavior is switched off, and you’re back to your adult mode. That’s when we will take this conversation forward.” You set a boundary with yourself first, saying, “I am not going to tolerate this kind of behavior. This is unacceptable. I will only have any conversation or communication with you if you behave.” Then there is a standard they have to match. Will it work in all situations? Probably not, but I have tested this theory many times and seen that it works, especially in situations where they need supply from you, where they are stuck with you and need to communicate to feel something—validation, approval, whatever it is. You need to remember, a narcissist depends more on you than you depend on them. They want you to think they are your world, but in reality, it’s the opposite.
What you could also say to instantly trigger their shame without shaming them is, “I really wonder what your colleagues would think if they were present witnessing this conversation.” Just these comments can make them instantly, if not realize, recognize that they are behaving in ways that could expose their true nature. Their image is everything. So if you can make them think about how the world is watching them and their behavior, that is what would trigger their shame, which could lead to possible compliance. But you have to remember, sometimes this can trigger rageful behavior. That’s what you have to be cautious about. If you are living with a narcissist and you know them inside out, they are extremely vulnerable, and you make a comment like this without having the power to take a step against them, then this may backfire, and they may go crazy. In that case, you just have to persist. You have to look for your safety first, and you may have to fawn a little bit if you do not have much power in the situation. It’s all about power dynamics—how much power you have, how much they depend on you. If you depend on them for financial support, then probably this is not a tactic for you. If you are afraid they will cancel your parental rights or take them away, then maybe this is not for you. It all depends on the situation and its context, and you have to test it subtly to see how they respond. You need to know if the narcissist you are dealing with is the type who is fully driven by the shame you are trying to elicit or the shame they do not want to feel. That’s what you have to keep in mind.
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