In doing so, they bring ruin to the relationship and create the very dynamic they claim to want to avoid, leading to total confusion. As we delve deeper into this pattern, we’ll realize that these individuals hold a large amount of personal disillusionment from their early years. They also have close to zero skills in managing their hurt or confusion, which is a pretty bad combination.
Narcissists often grew up with certain damaging messages, such as “Your flaws mean that you’re a bad person.” Many were exposed to harsh judgment systems where people gave grades, and unless they met those standards, it was curtains for them. They learned that conformity is a must, and any lack of it makes them a troublemaker. They experienced conflicts between wanting to be themselves and having to conform to others.
When they strayed outside the norms, they were told they would regret it. Authority figures would express anger, making them feel as though it was their fault. Growing up in such an environment leads them to think, “I hate it when people treat me this way. Clearly, I don’t meet your standards, which bothers me greatly. I wish you would accept and affirm me.” All of this can be summarized by the phrase, “I’m hurting.”
Now, notice that any human being can only give away what they possess on the inside. For example, if you say, “I’d like to give you a million dollars,” but you don’t have it, you can’t give it away. Narcissists tend to give you misery because that’s what they have to offer. When you see their anger, bitterness, demands, sarcasm, contempt, stonewalling, smear campaigns, and insults, know that it reflects what they carry inside.
Understanding narcissism as a failed attempt at pain management reveals that their anger and condescension are merely their pain in disguise, which brings ruin to you. So, is there a better way to handle this? Yes, there are certain things I wish narcissists could understand. You can respond to pain by establishing safeguards, developing boundaries, and building a strong interior. Healthy communication skills and empathy can help you grasp the bigger picture of where someone is coming from.
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