Next, the abuser would tell you that to avoid ever facing themselves, they’ll make you the villain. They’ll accuse you of the very things they are doing—lying, manipulating, gaslighting, and even cheating—so convincingly that you’ll start defending yourself instead of questioning them. It’s a tactic as old as time; it’s called projection. If they can keep you busy trying to prove your innocence, they never have to take responsibility for their actions. And better yet, if others hear the accusations first, they’ll believe that you are the toxic one, allowing them to stay in control, rewrite reality, and paint themselves as the victim. It’s not about truth; it’s about keeping the spotlight off of them and keeping you spinning in confusion and guilt. The more you doubt yourself, the less likely you are to hold them accountable. Plus, they absolutely love watching you struggle to defend yourself against their ridiculous accusations. Seeing you suffer is their favorite pastime.
Next, an abuser would tell you that they’ll make sure there are just enough good moments to keep you hooked—just enough laughter, passion, or tenderness to make you question whether things are really that bad. They’ll sprinkle in apologies and promises, maybe even a glimpse of the person they pretended to be at the beginning—just when you’re about to leave. They know that if they give you even a taste of hope, you’ll cling to it and ignore the rest. The human mind wants to believe in patterns, in progress, in love that can be salvaged, and they’ll exploit that. You’ll find yourself rewriting history, minimizing the pain, convincing yourself that maybe it’s not abuse but that it’s just complicated. But those good times are not proof of love or that deep down they are actually a good person; they are simply manipulations—the bait that keeps you stuck in their trap.
Next, if an abuser were honest, they would tell you that they don’t need to change because they’re going to convince you that you’re the problem. They’ll twist every argument, every concern, every tear into evidence of your supposed flaws. “You’re too emotional, too sensitive, too much, or not enough.” They’ll keep shifting the goalposts so that no matter how hard you try, it’s never quite right. And when you break down, they’ll act like they’re the one being mistreated. It’s a perfect set-up: while you’re busy trying to fix yourself, they’ll get to stay exactly the same. You’ll pour your energy into pleasing them, proving your worth, and winning back the connection they keep dangling just out of reach. The harder you work, the more control they gain, and you’ll never notice that the real problem was never you.
Next, if an abuser were honest, they would tell you that they’ll play dumb when you call them out. They’ll act confused, hurt, or shocked that you’d even suggest they meant to cause harm. They’ll say things like, “You’re reading too much into it,” or “I didn’t mean it that way,” causing you to second-guess your own perceptions. But don’t be fooled; they know exactly what they’re doing. They know which words will cut deepest, which silences will leave you desperate, and which manipulations will keep you chasing their approval. Faking innocence is part of the control; if they can convince you that they’re just misunderstood or not great with emotions, you’ll spend your energy explaining things to them instead of holding them accountable. But they’re not confused; this is a strategy. The more you believe they don’t know better, the more they get away with—and the more they intensify the abuse they are subjecting you to.
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