The first thing a narcissist wants to hear is, “I love you.” They want to know that you love them and care about them, because then they know they’ve got you right where they want you. I know these are wonderful things to say to a normal person, but not to a narcissist. Statements like “I love you,” “I miss you,” or “I need you” not only feed their ego but, to the narcissist, these words mean, “Use me, lie to me, cheat on me, abuse me.” When you tell them you care about them, they see it as permission to treat you however they want.
Loving a narcissist will not make them better or cause them to treat you better—quite the opposite. Not saying “I love you” can be tricky for some people, especially those who still have a narcissistic parent, partner, or family member with whom they maintain relations. These words may still be used because, for you, you genuinely still love them in spite of all the manipulation and lies. But for people in that situation, I would advise you to use those words sparingly and with caution.
You may have noticed that during the love-bombing phase, the narcissist used these kinds of words frequently. They would say “I love you” or “I need you” numerous times in one day. This is part of the brainwashing process. When someone says “I love you,” you often feel inclined to say it back. Repeatedly hearing and saying those words can brainwash you into thinking you’re desperately in love and that you need them as much as they say they need you. This is why the discard phase for some is so traumatic—you were entranced into the narcissist’s world. Some people break free before the discard, while others are not so lucky, experiencing a rude awakening when it happens.
That’s why I say “I love you” are some of the most dangerous words you can say to a narcissist. For them, it’s like giving them permission to use and abuse you. Be especially cautious of ex-narcissists trying to lure you back with these words. Don’t believe the lies; there’s no second chance with a narcissist. They don’t know what true love is—they’re only interested in taking, taking, and taking until there’s nothing left.
Number Two: Your Secrets
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