So the point is, forget showing up with your big heart and all that love that you carry, and all that empathy that you carry, or forget trying to become a better communicator, more understanding, more patient, more tolerant, and long-suffering, if only I could twist myself into a pretzel enough, maybe I could make this work. Forget all of that. Forget showing up with what you would normally show up with in the discussion with a reasonably sane and healthy adult. Forget bringing that to the table of a destructive narcissist. You’re not dealing with a reasonably sane and rational adult here, right? So, everything that you would normally bring to the table of that conversation with a relatively reasonable, sane, rational, healthy human being isn’t actually going to work with this person. So, forget all of that. What you want to do is the exact opposite instead. That’s what I mean by counter-intuitive.
Shut Them Down
Now, to shut them down, here’s what you want to do. With as much detached, flat-line ambivalence as you can possibly muster, use words and super short, succinct, clear, simple statements, like “no” or “no thank you” or “sorry, I’m not available” or “so sorry, I can’t do that” or “I’m not interested, thank you”. The point is, “no” is a full sentence, and it might take a little practice. You might want to practice in the mirror beforehand. But if you can practice delivering the information with zero emotion attached to it, no high-voltage energetic intensity coming with it, right? Super ambivalent, super detached, super flat-line, super clear, super succinct, followed by silence—get comfortable with the uncomfortable silence.
So for example, “no”, and breathe. Let the uncomfortable silence be what it will be. Let the word or the super short, succinct, clear, simple statement land and let the silence be what it is. Your job is to breathe, stay in your body, hold onto yourself, you’re simply delivering information. Remember, this is a business transaction, right? You’re approaching it with that mindset, no emotion. You can also say things like, “I understand”, or “I see”, or “I hear you”, or “I’ll let you know”, or “I’ll get back to you”, or “let me see”, or “let me think about it”. Again, short, succinct, super clear, followed by silence.
5 Phrases That Hurt a Narcissist to their Core
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