Forget reasoning about this person, being heard, or getting your needs met; it’s not going to happen. You’re not dealing with a reasonable, rational adult here. Rather, you’re dealing with a wounded, entitled, childish ingrate. You’re dealing with someone who, like I said, is willing to go to any lengths to hurt you, to provoke you, to win the right fight, to get their way, to manipulate you, to manipulate the perceptions of others, and to manipulate outcomes. And if they’re resentful and motivated enough, they’re also going to be willing to go to any lengths to seek revenge on you, whatever it takes, and that’s probably the last thing that you need.
The truth is, because they lack a fundamental moral compass or conscience, they will go to lengths that you or I cannot even fathom or imagine. They don’t have the same emotional response to their shocking attitudes and behaviors, which is why they’re often so shocking to us. They do and say things; they contrive situations and circumstances; they manipulate and play games, leaving great, huge chunks of the truth out of the equation. And they do all sorts of insane things that you and I couldn’t even conceive of.
So the point being, forget showing up with your big heart and all that love that you carry and all that empathy that you carry, or forget trying to become a better communicator, more understanding, more patient, more tolerant, and long-suffering. If only I could twist myself into a pretzel enough, maybe I could make this work.
Forget all of that. Forget showing up with what you would normally show up with in a discussion with a reasonably sane and healthy adult. And forget bringing that to the table of a destructive narcissist. You’re not dealing with a reasonably sane and rational adult here. So, everything that you would normally bring to the table of that conversation with a relatively reasonable, sane, rational, healthy human being isn’t actually going to work with this person. So, forget all of that. What you want to do is the exact opposite instead. That’s what I mean by counter-intuitive.
Now, to shut them down, here’s what you want to do.
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