As a scapegoat, your professional accomplishments might be minimized or ignored entirely by your family, no matter how highly regarded you are outside of the family system. To them, you’re perceived as a fraud—someone who has conned others into believing you’re something you couldn’t possibly be.
It’s not uncommon for scapegoats to limit their exposure to—or even go no-contact with—certain family members to protect their mental health and emotional well-being. However, making such a decision can be excruciating, often accompanied by guilt or self-doubt. Family members may openly claim that you deserve to be ostracized, taking no responsibility for their role in the dysfunctional relationship, even when their actions have been overtly or covertly abusive.
What Happens When the Scapegoat Breaks Free?
When the scapegoat wakes up and narcissists lose their target, several things typically happen:
- Attempts to Manipulate the Scapegoat Back into Submission
Family members may try to bully, manipulate, or coerce the scapegoat into returning to the toxic dynamic. This is done to maintain the family’s emotional “balance” by continuing to use the scapegoat as a repository for their unresolved issues and negative emotions. - Gaslighting and Manufactured Chaos
The scapegoat often experiences gaslighting, invalidation, and devaluation, along with manufactured chaos designed to pull them back into the abuse cycle. - Emotional Turmoil for the Scapegoat
Breaking free can trigger intense guilt, toxic shame, fear, and loneliness for the scapegoat, particularly if they lack a strong support system. - Grieving the Loss
The scapegoat enters a complex grieving process, mourning not only the family relationships they’re leaving behind but also the love and acceptance they never received. - Narcissists’ Lives Begin to Unravel
Without a scapegoat, narcissists often struggle to maintain their emotional stability. Their addictive or compulsive behaviors may escalate, and their lives can start to fall apart. - The Family Finds a New Scapegoat
Dysfunctional family systems rely on a scapegoat to maintain their toxic equilibrium. If the original scapegoat leaves and cannot be manipulated back, a new target is often chosen.
The Path to Healing for the Scapegoat
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