Now outwardly, despite all of this fragility, it’s a different story, remember? A person with a narcissistic personality does not like to look weak to other people, so they will deny the impact of these departures and are actually more likely to rage against you because you’re the person who has activated these uncomfortable feelings. They don’t understand, then they are going to be wanting to understand them. You may be so used to them being the controlling, dominant one in the relationship that you are surprised that they are becoming so fragile in the face of an upcoming or even possibly sort of threatening super-separation to them that doesn’t even exist. And when you try to become sweet and soothe them, they may actually become more contemptuous because in some ways, you’re bringing their fragility to light.
Fears about abandonment and strong reactions against it are often considered to be a part of what is designated as what’s traditionally been thought of as a borderline personality style. Abandonment and borderline personality are often viewed together, but the borderline and narcissistic personality styles are sort of closely related in terms of some of their origins, so the abandonment crises of the narcissistic personality just theoretically in light of the attachment stuff does make sense. We just aren’t expecting it with a narcissistic individual because we don’t see the same levels of sort of despair and instability that we might see with, for example, more of a borderline style.
The issue of abandonment can also explain hoovering. You may be wondering, if they’re afraid of abandonment, why would a narcissist leave and then try to pull you back? And they might try to pull you back if you’re the one who left. But why? Interestingly, narcissists will often leave relationships because sometimes when people are afraid of something, they try to get ahead of it. They try to abandon the other person first. It allows that person the lever to control the narrative, to control the fear. It’s like knowing when the scary part of the movie is going to come rather than being startled by it.
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