But after a person who tries to kind of get away or get ahead of the abandonment by pulling out themselves, there can be a sort of primitive attempt to work this through — ‘Can I bring that person back?’ That disorganized approach — avoiding, go away, no, come back, no, no, go away, no, come back — that’s the style that often characterizes narcissistic relationships, and that’s where you often see the hoovering. And you may fall for it, and then the whole cycle starts again.
Again, it’s like the child that aggravates the mom, the mom does step away, and the child’s like, ‘I want to get mom back.’ The fear of abandonment shared by many narcissists is often related to the fear of losing validation, narcissistic supply, control, and then there’s the activation of shame scripts around being rejected. And when you think of it that way, it may make more sense, but all of this adds to the roller coaster quality of any relationship with a narcissist.
So that begs the question, what’s the antidote to abandonment? How do any of us keep our abandonment fears at bay by feeling secure and safe in the world? Now, how does a person get there if they didn’t have healthy attachment experiences earlier in life? It comes down to therapy and doing the work — doing the work of self-compassion, of self-reflection, of self-awareness, and recognizing that emotions are not scary.
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