Narcissists do not miss you when they break up with you; they miss owning you. And I know you know that when you give a narcissist your full attention, your love, softness, and care, they start to look at you with disgust, as if they can’t digest it or as if what you’re doing is ugly. But why? They cannot handle abundance. I call it the deprivation complex. They only function properly when something is missing. When love is scarce, they rise to the challenge. When it is freely flowing, they short-circuit. When you are available, kind, loyal, and open, they get bored. They resent it. But the second you pull back—when you stop overgiving and chasing—they come alive. The moment you create distance, their obsession kicks in. You become magnetic because your absence makes them feel deprived, and that deprivation fuels their desire to win you back, just to conquer you all over again.
When you break up with a narcissist, you trigger a dormant instinct within them: the predatory thrill of reclaiming lost territory. Your absence isn’t seen as a consequence of their actions; rather, it becomes a challenge to their sense of control. This sudden independence flips a primal switch in their brain, activating a twisted competitive urge to pull you back into their orbit. Think about a cat hunting a mouse. The cat catches its prey but often does not kill it immediately. Instead, it lets the mouse go, watches it freeze, and loses interest as long as the mouse plays dead. But when the mouse starts to move a little, when it shows signs of life and a desperate desire for freedom, what does the cat do? The cat’s instincts surge; the chase resumes, more thrilling and intense than before. Why does the cat do this? For the exhilaration that comes from domination and the adrenaline rush that comes from proving power. Narcissists behave exactly the same way. Your freedom signals their loss of power, and this loss ignites their urge to chase, to reclaim what they believe belongs to them and them only.
Suddenly, the person who once barely noticed your existence becomes hyper-focused on every detail of your life: your glow-up, newfound confidence, and blossoming self-respect. All of these become irresistible targets. Your silence becomes louder than your words ever were, and your peace infuriates them precisely because it does not revolve around the drama.
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