If you’re not familiar, the narcissistic abuse cycle runs in three phases: idealization, devaluation, and discard, with a whole lot of projection, gaslighting, lying, and deceiving along the way. All of this starts with a healthy dose of love bombing, also known as the idealization phase, which begins the cycle, either for the first time or all over again if some time and distance have passed.
Be clear: if you allow a narcissistic individual back into your life, you’re being sucked right back into the toxic abuse cycle. You’re being idealized before being devalued and ultimately discarded, possibly not for the first time.
Many of you are already familiar with this abuse cycle because it’s a pattern you’ve experienced in your romantic relationships, as well as with friends, family, and at work. It’s really painful, especially for those of us who are highly empathetic and show up with the best of intentions for people who couldn’t care less about our feelings, well-being, or best interests.
If a narcissist manages to get a foot in the door, suddenly they may morph into the person you needed them to be when you were being abused, before you went no-contact. Now, suddenly, they’re on their best behavior, doing and saying all the right things. They even seem to know how to apologize—painful as that might be for them. You’re thinking, “Wow, suddenly they can show up on time, be decent, kind, and respectful, and show me how much they really care.” Or so they say, while making all kinds of empty promises, hoping you’ll be naive enough to fall for their dog-and-pony show.
But this is all very temporary. Their best behavior will be a short-lived phase. If the stakes are really high, you might get a few months of consistent behavior out of them, but soon enough, the mask will slip. You’ll enter the devaluation phase, becoming the target again, with blame-shifting and projection following soon after.
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