Does a Narcissist Actually Know They’re Lying? A Former Detective Answers

A person who knows they’re lying can often give in when pushed hard enough. Things will start to fall apart in the story. A lot of those people have sat across from me, and when it happens, they often feel a sense of relief.

That moment doesn’t come up very often with a narcissist.

Since there is no difference between what they say and what they believe. They don’t have a “moment of relief.” There is only the ego or the made-up persona, and they’ll defend it with the same vigour you’d use to defend something real.

Who was that kid on Chestnut Street? He might not have thought he threw anything. When I got out of the car, the story had already been changed.

This is the main reason why giving a narcissist facts almost never helps.

It took me longer than I’d like to say to learn this lesson. It rarely made a difference what I brought to the interview—video, witness statements, or fingerprints. The result was always the same. The goals are moved. The argument turns into a discussion of your reasons, your credibility, and the strength of the evidence. When you leave the room, you feel like you did something wrong.

It’s not a mistake.

When evidence comes up that goes against how they see themselves, the narcissist just shifts the focus to something else. The evidence starts to look sketchy. The problem is the person who brings it up.

What does this mean for you?

If you’re reading this because someone you know keeps denying things, like a partner, parent, or coworker, I want to give you something more helpful than anger.

Do not ask them if they are aware that they are lying. Even though I can see why they would ask that, it keeps you focused on their experience instead of your own safety.

This is a better question: Does it matter?

The narcissist in your life will affect you the same way whether they are telling lies on purpose or because they truly believe their own version of events. It hurts to try to make sense of everything. People start to doubt your memory. You lose faith in your own judgement over time, and it’s hard to fix this kind of damage.

After interviewing people like this for years, I’ve learned that the best answer is no answer at all. Getting into a fight won’t help and costs you energy you can’t afford. Also, even between people who know the difference between true and false, arguments rarely work.

Get over it and move on.

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