The narcissist suddenly cares about the children when it’s the only way left to control you

Then there’s the part that hurts the most. Parental alienation. They may try to turn the children against you, in subtle ways… a comment here, a sigh there, a story told only from their side. Or they become the fun parent. The parent with no rules. No homework, no bedtime, no vegetables. They love bomb the kids with attention and treats and promises, and they shower them with gifts, while you’re the one doing the actual parenting.

And look at what that creates. You become the bad guy, because you’re the one who says, “Do your homework.” You’re the one who keeps the routine. You’re the one who says no. And they get to be the hero without carrying any of the responsibility. That’s not love. That’s strategy.

This is the narcissist who stays involved with the kids in order to control you. Not because they’ve suddenly grown into a devoted parent, but because the children are the last thread still connecting them to you. As long as they have the kids, they have a reason to talk to you, to show up, to disrupt your peace, and to watch how you respond.

And if you’re the one raising those children, you probably feel torn all the time. If you push back, you’re accused of keeping the kids from them. If you give in, you stay trapped in the same cycle. It becomes a quiet kind of exhaustion… always trying to be reasonable, while they quietly rewrite the rules.

But here’s what you can hold on to. Staying calm is not weakness. Keeping things clear, brief, and consistent is not coldness. When your communication is only about the children, preferably in writing, with clear boundaries, there’s less room for games. You can’t control what they do, but you can stop feeding the reaction they’re hoping for.

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