The narcissist suddenly cares about the children when it’s the only way left to control you
Because a narcissist loves a reaction. The more flustered you get, the more it proves they still have power. But when you stay steady… when you answer with facts instead of emotion, when you don’t take the bait on every last-minute request… that’s when their access to you starts to shrink.
Now, not every narcissist uses the children this way. Some do the exact opposite. Some disappear into the sunset and never have anything to do with the kids again. Or they only see them every once in a while. And when they do, they take lots of selfies and post them all over social media, as though they’re parent of the year. The photos look perfect. The captions look loving. But the consistency isn’t there. The showing up isn’t there. The picture is for the audience, not for the child.
Two very different behaviors, but the same root. In both cases, the children are being used… either as a tool to control you, or as a prop to protect an image. Neither one puts the child’s needs first.
But in the instances where they use the kids to maintain control over you, it’s a nightmare. It can leave you doubting yourself, doubting your parenting, even doubting your own reality. And that’s exactly the point.
And it’s okay to grieve this. You may have hoped that leaving would end the chaos, only to find that it simply changed shape. That doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re dealing with someone who needs to feel in charge, and who will use whatever is within reach.
If you’re living this right now, hear this. Your children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a steady one. One safe, predictable adult who shows up, listens, and stays consistent, even when it feels invisible. Over time, kids notice who stayed. They see more than people think.
So let me ask you this… which kind of parent is your narcissist? The one who uses the kids to stay in control, or the one who disappears and only shows up for the camera? Tell me in the comments.
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