10 Things Narcissists Say When They’re Losing Control
If you have a conversation and you stick your foot in your mouth, or you say something you didn’t realize was offensive—but then later you think about it and realize, “Oh no, I shouldn’t have said that to that person”—and you’re thinking about it not because it affects your image, but because you feel bad and you don’t want to be responsible for causing pain—then those thoughts regularly occupying your mind are not what narcissism looks like.
Narcissists will intentionally hurt other people’s feelings if it means they’re going to gain something. That’s a simple way to look at it.
Most people who worry about whether they’re a narcissist worry because they don’t want to hurt other people. And those are the people who are not narcissists. Most people who worry about this don’t really have anything to worry about.
So if someone highly narcissistic—possibly a narcissist—is calling you a narcissist, that’s a sign they’re feeling threatened. And if they can get you to see yourself as worse than them, or just as bad as them, it’s much more likely you’ll stay in that situation—and they’ll maintain or regain control over you.
Another thing you’ll hear a narcissist say when they’re starting to lose control is: “I guess nothing I do is ever good enough.” This one is less explosive and more about guilt. It sounds sad and self-aware, but don’t be fooled. It’s not actually about growth or reflection—it’s about control.
Because what they’re really doing is flipping the script. You set a boundary or express something that isn’t working for you, and suddenly they’re the victim. They tried and they gave, and you’re impossible to please.
This works especially well on people who are natural fixers—people who care deeply, who know what it feels like not to measure up, and who carry the fear of disappointing someone else. If this sounds like you, you may want to jump in and fix it for them.
They’re saying something that makes it sound like they feel bad—so you feel the urge to smooth it over, reassure them, and take some of the blame to soften it and make them feel better.
For some of us, that’s an automatic reaction. But here’s the truth: if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you probably feel this way all the time—like you can never do enough.
So when they say, “Nothing I do is ever good enough,” it’s a projection of the pressure they’ve put on you.
Try looking at it that way. If you look at it as projection, it’s like they’re holding up a mirror. And while you want to jump in and save their feelings, the feelings that really need saving are your own. So take all that kindness—and direct it back toward yourself.
Another thing you might hear from a narcissist as they’re losing control is: “No one else has a problem with me.” This is sneaky because it’s not loud or dramatic. But I can assure you it’s manipulative.
Because what they’re really saying is: if everyone else thinks I’m fine, the problem must be you. This is meant to isolate you, and to make you second-guess your own experience.
And when this is said—probably toward the end, when they’re starting to lose control and you’re thinking about leaving—it’s meant to make you believe everyone will be on their side and you’ll have none. You’ll be completely isolated if you leave them.
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