Are they a Narcissist or just Avoidant?? Here’s how to tell…
If you are safe and still want to try to make things work, the most powerful thing you can do is focus on your own healing.
If most of your energy goes toward wishing they would change, that’s often a sign you have your own work to do — codependent tendencies, anxious attachment, low self-worth, or people-pleasing patterns that usually trace back to earlier experiences. None of that is a reason for shame, and it’s not about blaming yourself either.
Sometimes what feels like unbearable fear of losing someone is a trauma bond — even when you know, rationally, that the relationship isn’t good for you. That’s something to heal, not something to feel ashamed of.
You never deserve to be yelled at, called names, belittled, demeaned, touched inappropriately, or neglected. You are worthy of kindness and respect. The more healing work you do — including with a professional — the more you may realize you were looking to someone else to validate your worth, or trying to love someone into becoming a different person. Sometimes the fear of being abandoned by them led to abandoning yourself instead.
As you heal, setting boundaries and naming your needs — as uncomfortable as that is — tends to create distance only with people who never truly valued you to begin with. Real love wants to know what makes you feel safe, prioritized, and cared for. Real love is intentional, warm, and consistent — even if consistency wasn’t what you learned to expect growing up.
Consider working with a counselor, reading about attachment and inner-child work, and practicing boundaries when it’s safe to do so. Books on secure attachment and navigating anxious-avoidant dynamics can be a useful place to start.
You’ll know you’re healing when you stop needing to villainize the avoidant or the narcissist in your life — because you can’t control their behavior, only your own boundaries and reactions. You’ll stop fighting to be heard by people who have shown you they won’t listen. You’ll notice you want to show up as your best self — respectful, vulnerable, appreciative — without tolerating being hurt, intentionally or not.
Some behaviors only ever lead to disconnection: contempt, name-calling, yelling, shaming, guilt-tripping, coercion, violence. None of it is acceptable, and all of it calls for a boundary.
“But What If They Won’t Accept My Boundary?”
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