Why EVERY Covert Narcissist Uses the Exact Same Tactics
So, how do you push back against someone who says they’re just looking out for you? It’s really difficult. And over time, you start internalizing their voice. Before you get excited about anything, you hear their concerns in your head. So, before you take any risks, you second-guess yourself through their lens.
They’ve essentially installed themselves as your internal critic—but they’ve done it under the guise of caring about you. And this is why this feels so confusing and hard to name.
So, the second thing they do is strategic victimhood—or what I call pain hijacking. [clears throat] This is when they immediately redirect focus to their greater pain whenever you express hurt. So, it makes accountability completely impossible.
So, let’s say you bring up something they did that hurt you. Instead of acknowledging your feelings or taking responsibility, they flip the script, and suddenly, their pain becomes the emergency that needs to be addressed.
So, let’s just say you tell them that their comment about your appearance really hurt your feelings. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that would hurt you,” they respond with something like, “Well, I’m sorry you’re hurt, but you have no idea what I’m dealing with right now. I can’t even deal with this nonsense.”
And now at this point, you’re comforting them about the stress that they’re under. And your original hurt gets completely buried.
So, their pain becomes the moving target—and the litmus test—for how much pain you’re allowed to experience. If they’re having a bad day, your feelings don’t matter. If they’re stressed, you need to be understanding. If they’re struggling, you need to be supportive.
But when you’re struggling, they’re struggling more.
Over time, this trains you to minimize your own experiences and prioritize their emotional state above your own. You learn that bringing up your feelings will result in a bigger emotional crisis that you’ll end up having to manage anyway.
So, you stop bringing things up. You stuff your feelings down. And they get to avoid accountability while positioning themselves as the one who are really suffering in this relationship.
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